Thursday, 21 April 2011

What to Expect When You're Expecting...Yeah Right!

This little man sure likes to keep us on our toes... Last week I had soem bleeding which of course sent Brandon and I into a slight panic and a trip to the hospital at 1am. After bloodwork and tests and being hooked up, they determined that Gage was fine, and sent me home. Yesterday I get a call from the hospital saying I had to come back, that there were some concerns with my bloodwork. Turns out that there are small traces of Gage's blood in with mine (I am a negative blood type, so this can be damaging to the baby and future pregnancies) so I had to get another Rhogam shot in the hip followed by more bloodwork. Here is hoping that the shot does it's job. If it's not one thing it is another with this darn pregnancy! One good thing came from this though, the doc finally agreed to do ultrasounds every 2 weeks from now until I deliver to be safe. YAY! Finally, some common sense and peace of mind. On that note, it also appears as though Gage has flipped (head down), DARN!!! I was hoping he would stay breech and then they would have to scedule a section. Oh well, Gage is making the rules and will make his appearance however he feels most comfortable I guess :)

In the last couple weeks, I have also come to accept that nothing is predictable in this pregnancy. I can not follow guidelines, or "what to expect when you're expecting"... No where in my pregnancy 'bible' does it talk about Spina Bifida or what to expect with such a diagnosis. It doesn't prepare me for the overwhelming fear of delivering a child that will then be taken out of my arms to another hospital. No where does it prepare me for the NICU or for all the medical mumbo jumbo that seems to be filling my brain. It certainly doesn't prepare me for all the unknowns. Instead, I have had to accept that no matter how badly I want control of this situation, it is not going to happen. I have to put complete faith and trust in Gage's doctors and be confident that they are going to make the best decisions for him. If they are certain that a natural delivery is going to be ok for him, then I have to believe that too.

Adding to that, I keep seeing these charts and blurbs about milestones and at what age your child should be reaching them.. and I am beginning to realize that Gage likley won't meet these milestones at the same time as other children, but I am keeping faith that he WILL hit them at some point. He will sit, he will stand, he will walk. He may do it differently, and he may need to work a little harder, or get tired a little faster, but he will do all these things that some seem to think he won't. I don't think I am getting ahead of myself, or wishing for things that may not come... I think Gage is showing us how feisty he is. I think this little man is going to amaze me every single day. I am so proud to be his mom, and Brandon is proud to be his dad.
We can't wait to meet him. <3

PS. Baby shower May 7th!! Finally some normalcy... I am SO excited to have everyone in one room to celebrate Gage's soon-to-be arrival!

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Welcome to my rant!

I waited a week to write this. I needed some cool down time to process all the recent events and try to find the positive aspects in it all. I probably would have scared everyone away had I have written a week ago.
The doc's appointment on the 31st was great as far as Gage's prognosis goes. His vents are stable at 17mm and show no signs of increasing. His movements are good, his heartbeat is strong and he is growing perfectly; all excellent things.

Irritant #1: The ultrasound tech didn't let me see the baby. I understand that these appointments are not for the purpose of showing off the baby. I know that these are check ups and diagnostic ultrasounds but I travel 4 hours for these ultrasounds. The least they can do is turn the screen for 30 seconds so I can see the little guy move around. Not only that, but it gives me a little peace of mind knowing that he is doing ok in there. I have enough anxieties with this pregnancy, and the last time someone turned a screen away from me they threw a spina bifida diagnosis on me.. Thankfully nothing was wrong this time, everything is perfect and they have no concerns with Gage.
I meet with Dr. Ryan who is my delivery doctor; this is my first discussion with him about the delivery plan. As everyone knows I have been so torn with the decision of c-section or natural birth. All doctors and professionals I have come in contact with throughout this journey have supported me in whichever course I chose to take, and have reassured me that I needed to do what felt right for me. I decided (after many weeks) that a c-section was going to be best. I was confident in that choice, especially with me living so far from the delivery hospital. I knew this would make everything easier, I felt it was best for me and Gage, and this way all the doctors could be there and prepared for his birth. Boy, was I in for a surprise.

Irritant # 2: "I think I would like to have an elective c-section".....His response: "too bad, I will not perform a c-section unless absolutely necessary".....Pardon?
His in-my-face response caught me completely off guard and it was not at all what I expected to hear. Of course I started to bawl. Here I thought I had made the best option for us; I had done my research and talked to other moms, and never once thought I would be told 'no'. I was MAD. Brandon.. poor Brandon.. is trying his best to comfort me and I was just so ticked off. The doctor was confident that Gage would do well in a natural delivery, and becuase I am young and healthy, I would do well too. My nice cozy birth plan was now a complete mess.

Irritant # 3: My new birth plan (if you can even call it a plan)... Check my cervix starting at 36 weeks for any signs of labour. As soon as my OB thinks i am "favourable" for delivery, or if I go into labour he is to have me airlifted out of here to Sinai. It appears that Brandon cannot travel with me, he will have to drive. Adding to my anxieities about this so-called "plan", should there be an emergency and I need to deliver in North Bay, the baby is likely to be transported to CHEO instead of Sick Kids because CHEO is the northern point of contact... So everything I have gone through in Toronto, and all the doctors I have met with have been for nothing.

Irritant # 4: No more ultrasounds until 38 weeks. Ok, so I understand that this isn't totally uncommon for some women, but this is uncommon for spina bifida child with hydro. That means I am going 10 weeks without a check up on Gage. I am so happy his ventricles are stable now, but that could change at any time. 10 weeks with no check up does not sit well with me at all.

Everyone keeps saying that if the doctors aren't concerned then I shouldn't be concerned, but it is so hard not to be. I was feeling so prepared and ready and comfortable with the way things were going, and now I feel like I have totally lost all control in this pregnancy. Brandon is at ease knowing that the doctor's are happy with how well Gage is doing, and yes I am happy too, but I am so overwhelmed and wrapped up in the 'what-ifs' now, that I anticipate these last couple weeks to be long and stressful. I just hope that everything goes smoothly come Gage Day. Ugh.

On a more happy note, my baby shower is coming up. I am very excited for our families to all finally meet eachother. It is something to look forward to :)